What does a man’s car say about him?  Many variables must be considered when choosing the right “rig” or “whip” for the often volatile Pacific NW roads.  But what about impressions?  Choosing a ride that leaves others with a vivid impression of who a gentleman is and where he is going is also vastly important.  Consider some plausible questions that could be posed by on-lookers when you roll up at your next party, social scene, or perspective dating address.

  1. Is this a cool guy with a drinking problem but the bank account to support it?  (Does he live hard?)
  2. Does he care about footprints, carbon or otherwise?
  3. Maybe he’s a white trasher who likes Insane Clown Posse and moto-brap-braps?
  4. Maybe just a resourceful go-getter making a subtle yet powerful statement?
  5. Is he a “married” who spends his Saturdays at the fabric store?

The transportation list is never ending, so let’s focus on a small cross section of vehicles, semi-randomly selected, and evaluate them one at a time.  If you feel so compelled, go ahead an nominate additional vehicle types by leaving a comment below.

1. Subaru Outback/Honda Element (AKA: REI members)

“Hi, I love the PNW and have the car to fit all my outdoor adventuring needs!”  Lame.  You probably also listen to Car Talk and subscribe to a “green” lifestyle.  Oregon heart sticker??  You betcha!!  The Subaru wagon and Honda Element may as well be the same car.  Not going to impress but ain’t going to depress either.  Yes to questions #2, #5, and possibly #4.


Elements bangin' Subarus: Who's on top?!?

2.  BMW 2002 sedan

Big ballin’ and shot callin’.  Cars are like fine suits: one for every day of the week!  The 2002 sport racer of the 1970’s is a gentleman’s car through and through that should be driven on Friday nights or sunny Saturday afternoons.  European styling for a styling Europeans (or cool dudes).  You can set the bar high when arriving in this car, but be prepared to back it up with a solid wit and worldly view.  No “bros” with flat bills should apply.  Yes to questions #1 and possibly #4, but due to this car’s vintage it’s hard to be sure.


Hello, I was born in you likes das autobahn??

3.  Mercedes Benz diesel (80 to early 90s)

What can we say, the Beagle is a sucker for the classy Euro sedans.  The 80’s Mercedes sedans and wagons definitely fall into this category.  The problem with the Benz is the damn Bio-benzer owners with their bio-diesel stickers and “Look, look…I run on war-free fuels!”  attitudes.  That, and the hippies.  What happened to the starchy stiff collars synonymous with the Benzes of yore?  Yes to questions #2 (sadly) and possibly #5 ‘cuz Portland liberals are everywhere.


Got a side of fry oil with that?

4.  Ford F-150

Well, look who just rocked up rockin’ the new Kid Rock!  You bet those are Mickey Thompson 44s.  You can also bet that any man driving this rig is no gentleman.  Fine ladies, fine liquors and fine trucks??  No.  See question #3 from above.


"How big is my cock? Well, these mudders will kill you, so shut up!"

5.  Bike (fixed or otherwise)

God dammit.  Yes to question #2 and the drinking problem portion of #1.


"How are your knees?" "Fucked."


~ by richie on October 27, 2009.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: