WARM UP YOUR FUCKING HEAD WITH FACIAL HAIR AND HATS THIS WINTER!

“Nice hat, asshole!”  is what I remember shouting out the passenger side of my best friends ride last july. 

It was 95 degrees and I saw an indie-rock pal on hawthorne wearing a stocking cap and beard when he should have been dressed more tropical/practical.

Man, he looked stunning… but I can assure you  he was not ‘making the summer fresh’.

what’s with this reverse papa smurf look?

"my favorite bands are 'Smurfs of Leon' and 'The Red Hot Chili Smurfs'"

 

You see guys,  sometimes life is all about timing and placement. His hat was in the wrong place (his head) at the wrong time (the peak of summer). So the answer is clear…. we gotta time machine his look to the present day.

So last weekend we turned back the clocks and  gained an extra magic hour. Somehow that extra hour gave my facial hair growth a jumpstart. I shaved on Halloween and now somehow I have a pretty amazing beard in just 9 days! Now I’m  turning heads and creating a buzz in the community wherever I go with this new ‘kenny loggins’ (short beard).

“Why would my face be cold smartass? Fuck you Kenny G!

So I’m gonna keep this sweet lil ‘Kenny Rogers’ (neat beard) for a while and I’ll tell why….

1) MY FACE WILL KEEP WARM

2) I WILL SAVE ON SCHICK CINCO RAZOR $22 RIPOFFS. THIS WILL GIVE ME COOL HAT MONEY.

3) 60% OF ALL INDIE ROCK  SWEETHEARTS LIKE BEARDS AND I’M WILLING TO ROLL THOSE DICE.

 

So before I reveal  the secrets to achieving the ultimate winter hat/beard combo we’re gonna have to set a few things straight… Beards are not for everybody. Hats are not for everybody. This is case-by-case  kind of shit.

You gotta have beard confidence and a good posture to pull off this look correctly. You see, most bros look like idiots with little hats hanging off the back of their heads.  Am I right?

Hey Crackle and Pop- where’s you’re friend? Snap!

Anyways guys, all I’m saying get a cool hat and don’t be afraid to go outside. If you’re a guy, tryout a beard… if you’re a girl you can just admire mine.

Here’s my real predictions for winter 2009/10

COONSKIN HATS WILL MILDLY SWEEP THE NATION. here’s a link for some decent ones http://crockettcoonskincaps.tripod.com/

one size fits all coolguys

 

ELMER FUDD STYLE.  

I’m a whole new man…. a serious man. I’ll wear this hat and stare at you.

CAN YOU DIG THESE STYLES?

Shit is rad.  Hot beats, hot funk styles, slick shades…on PBS???  Fuckin’-A right!

Happy 40th, Sesame Street!

Check the kid rockin’ out at the 4:15 mark.

CARS FOR THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST GENTLEMAN

What does a man’s car say about him?  Many variables must be considered when choosing the right “rig” or “whip” for the often volatile Pacific NW roads.  But what about impressions?  Choosing a ride that leaves others with a vivid impression of who a gentleman is and where he is going is also vastly important.  Consider some plausible questions that could be posed by on-lookers when you roll up at your next party, social scene, or perspective dating address.

1. Is this a cool guy with a drinking problem but the bank account to support it?  (Does he live hard?)
2. Does he care about footprints, carbon or otherwise?
3. Maybe he’s a white trasher who likes Insane Clown Posse and moto-brap-braps?
4. Maybe just a resourceful go-getter making a subtle yet powerful statement?
5. Is he a “married” who spends his Saturdays at the fabric store?

The transportation list is never ending, so let’s focus on a small cross section of vehicles, semi-randomly selected, and evaluate them one at a time.  If you feel so compelled, go ahead an nominate additional vehicle types by leaving a comment below.

1. Subaru Outback/Honda Element (AKA: REI members)

“Hi, I love the PNW and have the car to fit all my outdoor adventuring needs!”  Lame.  You probably also listen to Car Talk and subscribe to a “green” lifestyle.  Oregon heart sticker??  You betcha!!  The Subaru wagon and Honda Element may as well be the same car.  Not going to impress but ain’t going to depress either.  Yes to questions #2, #5, and possibly #4.

Elements bangin' Subarus: Who's on top?!?

2.  BMW 2002 sedan

Big ballin’ and shot callin’.  Cars are like fine suits: one for every day of the week!  The 2002 sport racer of the 1970’s is a gentleman’s car through and through that should be driven on Friday nights or sunny Saturday afternoons.  European styling for a styling Europeans (or cool dudes).  You can set the bar high when arriving in this car, but be prepared to back it up with a solid wit and worldly view.  No “bros” with flat bills should apply.  Yes to questions #1 and possibly #4, but due to this car’s vintage it’s hard to be sure.

Hello, I was born in Germany...do you likes das autobahn??

3.  Mercedes Benz diesel (80 to early 90s)

What can we say, the Beagle is a sucker for the classy Euro sedans.  The 80’s Mercedes sedans and wagons definitely fall into this category.  The problem with the Benz is the damn Bio-benzer owners with their bio-diesel stickers and “Look, look…I run on war-free fuels!”  attitudes.  That, and the hippies.  What happened to the starchy stiff collars synonymous with the Benzes of yore?  Yes to questions #2 (sadly) and possibly #5 ‘cuz Portland liberals are everywhere.

Got a side of fry oil with that?

4.  Ford F-150

Well, look who just rocked up rockin’ the new Kid Rock!  You bet those are Mickey Thompson 44s.  You can also bet that any man driving this rig is no gentleman.  Fine ladies, fine liquors and fine trucks??  No.  See question #3 from above.

"How big is my cock? Well, these mudders will kill you, so shut up!"

5.  Bike (fixed or otherwise)

God dammit.  Yes to question #2 and the drinking problem portion of #1.

"How are your knees?" "Fucked."

THURSDAY IS THE NEW FRIDAY?

yeah right! whoever invented that piece-of-shit phrase hasn’t experienced MFP on a friday morn…..http://www.barflymag.com/bar/my-fathers-place.html

a gentlemen's social club

friday morn is the new friday night and i might get even laid by the time 700 club is over.

long story short- my porsche broke down in grand ave in the a.m. and some friendly hispanics helped me push it to safety.

thanks bros.

 so i’m sipping coffee and making a name for myself down here and learning alot about the am ‘party’ scene….

people in the community tend to like vodka juice drink and laying it on the line with lucurative business opportunities.

a gentlemen’s social club

you had me at double up

you had me at double up

“love knows no bounds” and you can do what you like at MFP.

people do what they want when they want round here…. a lil phill collins jam, some regis and kelly and getting a healthy buzz on while playing buck hunter and guitar hero.

this is what i heard…..

“i just won $49 off my 6th twenty!”

“fuck”

 

“

‘BALLOON BOY’ INFLUENCED BY ‘WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE’?

you guys hear about this shit?!

so i’m listening to the radio in my porsche this morning and i hear the whole nation in a panic over some chinese kid sailing away in a helium balloon over the colorado rockies. WTfuck? all these experts are trying to figure out where this lil guy is gonna land and all agreed it would be tragic as fuck.

man, i was thinking about this guy and the day started to get away from me…. it’s after 4 o’clock already and i’ve been daydreaming about possible scenarios and wondered how this kind of shit could happen?

when i was younger ( in my mid-20s i tried a few helium stunts with some random items and my friend dave jaber even tried sending a real gerbil into the night sky!

long story short- we both realized it takes a fuckload of balloons to lift even a tiny gerbil or a hickory farms basket.

so i started thinking….what’s a little chinese kid weigh? 40-50 pounds?  it would take a balloon the size of …. well something hot air balloon size.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/world/americas/2970169/Flyaway-balloon-boy-found-alive-reports/

turns out these motherfuckers jumped to conclusions and the  kid was just chilling in the attic minding his own business.

It was just a balloon flying in the sky that ruined everyone’s day……. i think it was maybe a just a garfield balloon or something from a secretary party.

"oh my god! the kids are gonna fly away!" calm down asshole

I think maybe now it was a publicity stunt having to do with tomorrow’s release of

 ’WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE’

think about it-  a 6 year-old kid gets in a fight with his parents and fake runs away. maybe lays low in the attic for a bit… no big deal.

just like ‘max’ and the ‘wild things’, overactive imaginations running wild…..

matt damon told me this movie is actually pretty rad

NEW DOG BUDDIES… WHO CAN YOU TRUST?

My name is Brando and I don’t own a dog. I have had a number of dogs throughout my lifetime and most have captured my heart. I also have a few close friends that are/arf dogs.

Dogs are small furry buddies that totally got your back- they know what’s up and they have hearts of gold most of the time.

I was about to list the the series of dog breeds/stylez that I’ve had but I think I’ll take a different route…. FUTURE DOGS.

What is a future dog you ask? Well, I’m talking about a new series of dogs that , you, your close bros and family may enjoy for the  new decade(‘0 ten is around the corn,  man)

My 3 best dog friends are Paco, Cody and Maybel. They all arf quite different but all pretty dope.  See you don’t have to actually own a dog of your own to take part in dog phantasies/fun runs…. it’s true!

On that note, I have some important news! Kyley Quinn (of the reag beag squad) is expecting one of his own!

But what’s he gonna choose???

For the past couple years Ky-Guy has had his heart set on an Itallian Greyhound. Something about those motherfuckers got Ky all topsy-turvy on that breed. I think their sleek lines and noble demenor got him all jazzed up, and felt that a slim renegade would make the night right. WRONG!

 

"nice ears" says the fucking idiot

 

……Man, he got a new scene! What’s the best of both worlds? He asked himself that time and time again!!! WTfuck iss he going to do?

Just like an El Camino is the best of both worlds with the truck/car infusion, something called welsh corgi got the weiner/wolf zone covered.

Goddamn Kyley you never cease to amaze…… the gentleman’s choice is SOOOOO obvious.

I can’t wait 2  meet this motherfucking bundle of  joy!

you're gonna be the bast dad

Let’s go on a multi-dog rally! There’s nothing like taking a town by storm with a dog frenzy! Tell me what you got and I’ll give you what you need….

Ain’t no terrier but I’m proud of you guy.

Global Warming saves Mayor Sam Adams from recall

Reag Beag  Special News Report:

The campaign to recall Mayor Sam Adams has failed. Portland will keep its beloved openly gay mayor in office.  Jasun Wurster, chief organizer of the recall, and apparently a person that has nothing better to do than collect signatures to oust the first openly gay mayor in US history out of office, will be banished from Portland city limits and will spend the rest of his days locked in Gresham.

"I didnt breed love with Breedlove...ahh...until later"

According to Jasun Wurster, extreme summer temperatures are to blame for the unsuccessful recall campaign. Wurster states,”I learned that doing a recall campaign during a brutally hot summer when you have a 106 degree temperature isn’t very conducive to getting signatures.”  When in doubt blame it on the fucking weather. Perhaps increased global temperatures are why Al Gore wasn’t elected president and is now obsessed with the Global Warming phenomena. Maybe Global Warming caused Jon & Kate from “Jon & Kate Plus 8” to get a divorce or brainwashed every teenage girl and boy to worship the Jonas Bros.   We have just hit the tip of the iceberg of this outlandish claim…..To be continued.

Feel the power of love

Take it down a notch and have yourself a “Gentleman’s Night”

The Reag Beag team is all about hanging at the coolest spots, finding the best deals, partying it up until the wee hours of the night, and of course mingling with the hottest indie rock dars, however, sometimes you need to take it down a notch and step away from the scene and reward yourself with a night of solitude—have yourself a “Gentleman’s Night”.

Brando likes this!!!

Brando is definitely a fan of a “Gentleman’s Night”.

Make sure to preheat oven, dont blow it!!

Grab yourself a large Papa Murphy’s take-and-bake pizza, a bottle of vodka, 2-liter of Coke, and a racy Rated-R movie.  Make it a night to remember.

Brando's top picks

Relax, put your feet up, and enjoy a nice cocktail while you watch your rated-R movie.  You own the night you can do whatever you want in that living room of yours. Don’t be shy, after the movie bust those romance series candles out and get romantic with yourself. Remember this is a “Gentleman’s Night”.

Brando says, "make it special, its all about you."

Finish off the night with some SNL and hit the sack early.

Instead of waking up disheveled in an unknown place with an unknown girl slobbering on your shirt, you start the day off right—energetic, refreshed and ready to take on the world. Try it out, it might change your life.

“Flight of the Navigator” revisited

The other day I was chilling in the sun with a nice tropical sipper in hand and suddenly this random thought rushed into my vodka infused mind—whatever happened to the kid that was in “Flight of the Navigator”? I couldn’t shake this overpowering thought. It has been at least 15 years since I have even thought about that movie, let alone the dorky main character.  Fuck that movie is 23 years old.

However, after a few minutes of reflection and a discrete elongated smirk on my face, the entire plot structure of the movie unfolded right before me. It was a coming-to-age movie about a 12 year old boy in the late 1970’s who is abducted by aliens then returned back to Earth 8 years later (1986) and hasn’t aged a day, however for David Freeman (12yr old boy) it has only been moments from when he was knocked out cold due to falling off a ravine in the deep rain forest of Pensacola, Florida. He returns to his home and finds an alien family. Not aliens from space, but a family he does not recognize, like Marty in “Back to the Future II”. He tells them his name and it turns out that his parents reported him missing back in 1978.

The kid that thinks Jimmy Carter is still President is reunited with his extremely aged parents and his younger brother, who is now his older brother Jeff, who resembles Skippy from Family Ties.  During intensive tests and brain scans doctors stumble across star maps of the entire universe in David’s head. A little far fetched, but it keeps rolling. Paid off by a NASA official a doctor turns David over to NASA and then David is kidnapped and transported to a top secret NASA facility, kind of like Elliot in E.T.. Apparently the military acquired an alien spacecraft stuck in power lines the same day David made his reappearance. So there was a correlation between the two anomalies. The government is so smart.

While imprisoned by the government David begins to hear voices and is drawn to this alien spacecraft that is under tight security in a top secret hangar nearby to where he is being held, kind of like Keanu Reeves is drawn to the ocean in “Point Break”. With the help of a young Sarah Jessica Parker he makes it passed high security and ends up entering the alien craft. He then befriends an alien robot named Trimaxion, which he nicknames “Max”. Maybe like Max Hendrom, that was future back then.  Max declares David as “The Navigator” and they take that chrome walnut shaped spaceship and peel the fuck out of the hangar.

After bouncing all over space, taking crazy bong rips, rocking out to shitty music, exploring the deep ocean, hanging with aliens from across the universe, making out with a robot aliens, playing tricks, beer bonging and parting down in Rio, David realizes that he misses his family and wants to return to them.  However, he is posed with the dilemma of returning to the present world of 1986 where he doesn’t belong and will always be considered a freak versus taking the risk and time travel back to 1978 when he was a 12 year old dork. He decides the latter. And of course he makes it back like Marty in “Back to The Future”. I’m not going to spoil the real ending, but we all know how Disney ends their movies. Fuck it, a dorky adolescent ends up being Maverick from “Top Gun”.

Thus, this leads me back to my initial thought or question—whatever happened to the kid that was in “Flight of the Navigator”?

He works at a sporting good store.

P.S.-Its too bad the sequel, which  Justin Timberlake was going to star,  fell through.

Beagle Memory Series Vol. 1

Growing up in Seattle, Dick’s was the place the cool hung out.  Where the late 1980’s player would find his late night eats and late night freak with her Aquanet-blasted hair.  Mix-A-Lot was one such player who was definitely ’bout it.  Swass…what a song…what an album!  That cassette was still in my rotation once I got my driver’s license to cruise the scenes in my ‘84 GTI with its Kicker 10’s bumpin’.    Making things happen.  Meeting people.  Yeah.

"Where the swass like to play and the rich flaunt clout!"

Check the DJ’s wayfarers and fucking sick haircut in this vid!

"Don't start cryin' when your woofers get stuck!!"